Denial of The Deny

No matter how hard we try to erase our feelings, it won't successfully disappear. Feelings are not something that forces us, it will grow like a plant, naturally. We can't deny. I can't even deny or even force it. I never force my feelings. When it's time to stay, I will let it stays. When it hurts, I can't easily forget about it. I never try to move on since I can't do that. I choose to enjoy the feelings until it fades away. I like to enjoy my feelings. Enjoy whatever happens. I'm sure it will be gone in time and my heart will be cured eventually.  In reverse, I can't pretend to love someone whose I'm not in love with, no matter how much kindness the person shows to me. It's not that easy. However, I'm not gonna deny it if, in the end, I feel the feel. I won't ever regret the feelings, cause it's a part of blessings. I believe everything is already set. There's no coincidence, there's nothing missed.

That's how the feelings work. At least, that's what I believe.

Sincerely, me.

Freelance Life

"I love writing! Can't believe how I'd live without it", says a freelancer

"I love the money, tho. Why would I lost this god-damn job?!", says a realistic freelancer

Who can relate?

Mind Your Own Business (Part II)

How many people at least in this country concern about other people's problem rather than theirs? How many people are realized that they should mind their own business? I think only a few people who are respectful enough about it as I've been dealing with it a lot. I found a lot of people asking when am I gonna be married, (esp.) what I will be in the future, why didn't you be that you should've been that, or 'you look fatter', 'you look so thin, is your life going well?', and things like that without knowing how far I did things. The worst thing is that they don't really understand us neither have close enough relations.

I think it's very common in this country and probably the ones who ask won't realize that it's not what people should ask to other. They don't have to know the detail about our life. They'll never know if the person who's being asked are having a hard time, a lot struggle that's unseen by them. God only knows, but it'll make the person gets even sadder. Even, they don't really think about it.

People should know the limit and of course, they have to be rational enough to know which is called the 'limit'. Are they sure enough that what they say is not offending? Were they thinking about it? Will they think of the person? I mean, the person's feeling after what they say.

Like I said, people should be respectful enough not to mind other people's business. I guess, we ourselves have a lot of things to be doing. So, why spending time minding about others?

Well, I'm not perfect, surely I'm not. I am a person and I make mistakes too, but I wish I never offend people so that people won't offend me.

Quote of The Day

"Nobody knows what I've been up to and I'm glad"

-Sincerely, me

Boys Become Men When They....

(This was originally posted on  18 December 2011 on this blog)

Follow you when you walk out

Call you back when you hang up

Hug you when you punch him

Kiss you when you nag

Watch click-flicks with you

Tolerate your crying over love stories

Hand you the remote control

Pass on booze night just to listen your rantings

Don't flare up when you give a car direction

Says I'm sorry and tell you he needs you

source: http://picturesandquotes.net/

___________________________________________________________

A Clarification.

Halo!
Hey, it's been a while since I write on my blog. It's been a while since I maintain my blog alone. It's been a while since I used to passionate about being famous by blogging. I know, I might be too obsessed. However, I guess I'm grown-up now.

Prologue: Don't Be Regret, You'll Earn It Even Better

It's been a hiatus for 2 months, gee where have I been? I'm almost forget that I have a blog the one I shared with. Do you guys asking why I left this blog too long? It's been a hectic at my campus, and my social life. I've been enjoying this season, good things come to me. I didn't thought that life is this easy without my close friends. For a prologue, I'm studying in International Relations, and taking international class program (IPIREL). I love all the international things, and my friends, they are also cool!
It's good to be here. Many chances we can take, especially to go abroad, to see the foreigners, be friends with them. I really want to do that since a long time. But, once I tried to enroll it last semester, I was rejected, even two times, and my friends were accepted. They both now leave me, and go to their destined country to take an Exchange Program for a semester. I was really upset of myself that time..
I imagined how can I live my life at campus without them, my close friends, though many good friends here but still they are not that close to me. Anyway, my life seems happier without them. Oh no, no, I mean, I can still adapt with the others, enjoy many things here. Interact better, adapt better. Laugh, kidding. I never imagined that way since I was the one that hard to easily adapt with other, and tend to always be in my comfort zone, always be with my close friends.
But now I can stand alone. I can do anything I want without surrounded by my close friends. This time I think that I am getting better, resolving my number one problem: can't stand alone. I feel like no one can let me down. It's the one that motivate me, to be the person that is better. It's me, myself that changes me.
It's yourself who will change you. After that, you will find it easier, your life. You don't have to desperately regret on your failure. Just focus on how you can face a life differently, and just relax. That's what I've done. I've never look back to my failure, I was happy that my friends got that chance, and I'm just regret how I can't do the same. They are great. But it's not that I have to give up. I never stop trying instead. Then I promised myself to not focus on my regret, but just to enjoy my life better, and the problem unconsciously will be solved.
This season, I got that chance even easier. I still can't believe that I've done that. Remember the word that Allah always hears your prayers, when you failed, He will change it with the better one and I believe that. Alhamdulillah for this. I feel this time is my best moment of life that I can solve a little problem that comes to me. So, for you who don't belive you can do or you've failed doing a thing, just don't be regret. Try to focus on making yourself better in any sides, not to focus to chase the things you want. Because if you only focus on that things, you will never change yourself to be the better one. Then, you might failed again :)

Life's hard? You've Gotta Through That, tho

It's been years since I was graduated from High School, the most beautiful part of life (most people say). It might be right, cause it was the time you'll never experience again, it's a different situation than the other time. Indeed. However, it's not always be as good as they say. I mean, life's not always be straight as you might see in your dream, and if it's dream, you gotta wake up, dude! It's not happening for a long time, though.

It's not that I've got bullied or something so sad. Haha. It's not that sad. It's just about how we face life with each different perspective in people's mind. Some people may always get lucky, surrounded by cool people, good life, much money, existence, and so on and so forth. That you may realize all they do is for something.....well, wait, for what? To get a sympathy? To be known as good people? To deserve all that things? Or to gain an imaging?

I really don't understand with people nowadays, especially, for people around me. They will do everything to get some "imaging" to other people to be "looked good" but basically not. It's kinda like force something they can't really do. It seems like, it makes me think, "it's not really you". People fake something to gain "something more", basically.

Indeed, people have each purposes in life, until you might find your friends come to you to get only benefits from you, not to be your "true" friend. It becomes sooo many people like this today. Well, I don't know why. Why could people change this fast? Somehow, people get this wrong, people now can easily fake it. You can pretend to be a good friend while actually you're not. And it happens to me. The word "best friends" is not that easy to determine. It's not like, we like same thing, or we came from same class, we often hang out together, then simply called as best friends.

Best friends are much more than that. For me, to be a best friend for your friends is hard. You gotta know your friends deeper, you got to be there if your friends need you, and it's not about you give, and they only take, It's not like zero sum game or something, but it's a give-give relation, because we need each other, and we gotta help each other. Not that easy, when we can easily forget that, never meet a long time, and we pretend to care. Best friends aren't that simple. It's not about pretending to be like.

So, is it wrong to stay away from friends that in fact they pretend to know us acting like good in front, while it's gossiping around behind? I think it's better to stay away, rather than to fake myself. It doesn't mean like we cut the relations as friend, we only need to keep the distance away and not too close. I mean, not pretending to close, while we are not. If you agree, you might get it right, but this post doesn't create to make a controversy. I'm just giving my opinion, you may have your own perspective anyway :)

Thanks for reading my post...

Random Thoughts and Ramadhan Greeting

Hi!! Happy Ramadhan for all Muslims in the entire world! The holy month is starting again and let's do something more benefit to ourselves and people surrounding us.

This ramadhan is different for me since it's my first time have my first fasting day in my dorm. Yaa, it's my second year at college, but last year I have my Ramadhan surrounding by my family since the lectures had done and Ramadhan begins at the holiday. But this semester is not, I have to have Ramadhan in my dorm with the others until my exams done. However, it's not that bad, there are still friends who also live in dorm and do fasting without family. It's a new experience, tho. I enjoy this, but still, I wanna soon to go home.

BTW, my exam will begin next week for two weeks, and the assignments are waiting to be done. It's kinda busy week, not only for this week but since the first June, I feel like I have limited time, that's why I couldn't update my blog post often. But, indeed, it's fun! I'm not a typical busy person, and I didn't join any organization. But, join committee is indeed so fun! I have new friends, and new experiences of course, and without stick to a thing and have a responsibility for too long in a period.

To look for experiences, we don't have to join organization, but doesn't mean we become a passive student. When you stick into your passiveness or still hold onto your independence, what you'll get is nothing. So, even if you don't like to be a busy person or stick to an organization, join committee might be a good choice. I've just barely realized it since I join some committees, I feel almost no negative effect after this, instead I get lotsssa benefits.

So, since we're still young, experiences are good to fulfill our boring life, to live a better life and to get you more professional and get you more capable. Once again, happy fasting! This Ramadhan will be benefit and enjoyable if you say so.

What's My Age Again?

First of all, thanks Allah, for giving me such a wonderful time, though I've spent the whole day alone. However, in this day, I've been given lotsa lotsa surprises, greetings, prays, and wishes. I couldn't say much, only a speechless. I couldn't express more. Although almost all the things my friends gave to me through the distances, but good things always dismiss it.

Now I'm turning 20! They may say 20 is still a young, but some people claim I'm getting old. Yupp, indeed, every people will get old as you may pass life and as you can see yourself turn into it. 20 isn't a young for me, it's a new life. A new beginning of the true life, perhaps. There'll be a lot of things change, either my thoughts, my life, or things around me. In this decade, sure I'm gonna take a scholarship (aamiin), graduate, being a worker, married, get my children around me, and so on and so on.

In this 20s, I have to be wiser to do things. Choose what's important for my life, like choosing the right answer in my answer sheet in the exams. As we may through, it couldn't be right at all, cause we know, there's no perfect person. And life might not be going straight as always. As people say, we may through the bump roads. However, we have to keep trying to pass it.
I'm a kinda person who has a lot of dream that I want to make it real. I think, nobody does but there's also no less people have a same mind as me. No matter how hard it is, if I would, I thing I could. Well, in this 20, I wish all my dreams will begin to real, at least, start to be real. And I believe, that nothing's impossible as long as we try. 20 is to gain a new experiences, and prepare to the next adventures. Once again thanks to all people who wish me to be good, and better. I'll love you and wish all the good prays also will back to you :)

It's Been 2 Years

It's been two years, and nobody knows who actually deserve. There are a lot of misunderstandings that can't be recovered. This is what makes us think hard to make it clear, and at least to make people not to think that we are the one to blame. It's just about wishing that everybody knows the true stories, not what people heard from mouth to mouth and nobody's gonna responsible for it. Because it just goes from time to time, and each mouth might produce different outputs that may result in a different conclusion.

I've been thinking of my life around 3 years ago when I was in my 11th grade of High School, and when I was the one to blame while everybody agreed of the things they receive from mouth to mouth (which was not always true). And it's still clearly remembered by her, obviously. Where all eyes see me I was the 'robber', whoever people will say I'll be getting a karma.
The fact is that people don't know the truth and what actually happened until now but they don't really care about it. They don't care about the truth. All they ever care is just what the rumor says.

I know it has been 3 years. However, my life is still haunted by those people who never wanna care about the fact and likely to see me as the one to blame. Well, I think it's unfair. It is. There might be the fact that she also never notice, that all she gets now is the reflection of the way she got him. It's like karma for her but she doesn't realize cause her eyes and minds are so blind blaming me.

I also never have an intention to steal. I think she knew it at the beginning. However, maybe her mind is blinding now. So, she keeps blaming me.

I also never expected this would happen. Nobody knows the future, anybody? But my feeling grows unexpectedly. So, whose to blame? My feeling? I got it from God. Should you blame God? You never fake a feeling anyway.

I know it's probably a karma for me too. When she was on my side, I used to really hate him since he was. He's done wrong. But I never expect that the feeling comes to me one year after that. And a year after, isn't it a long time? Is she his anymore?

:)
Sincerely,
Just want to make it clear

"Life Begins At The End of Your Comfort Zone" -Neale Donald Walsch

I always afraid of trying something new. When it comes to the new one for me, I begin to be an odd person evvver. Awkwrd. I could be feeling weird, since the new things are a stranger for me. I've beem facing a demand of being in a comfort zone. Well, I'm never getting bored, however it makes me living in a monotone way. Something is never new. I always be like I am, I look for something new, but not the one that extremely wild.

Until I realized, I'm a young and need to have so many experiences in order to gain something new, and understand more about the meaning of living. About a grateful to God, and about open up my eyes, there are a big treasures there, and you gotta find, feel, and know it!

And I could understand how, there's nothing wrong of trying something that you've never done before. As long as, it doesn't make you and your life worse. As long as we're still young and have a lot of time (pretend it) to discover something that you wonder all this time. Lest, you will regret it tomorrow. No worried, just try.

I think, learning something new is so much fun! Really! It's like you will never get to stop your step, it seems like unlimited happiness. Got a new experience is never wrong, once again. As Neale Donald's quote, you're gonna feel a true life, when you never gain something new. This life is boring if we always be that way, always do the same things everyday. Haha

Well, I'm so excited to tell you all (okay, I begin to tacky now). It's been an ordinary think for some people, but me, as a person who hate all kinds of exercises, all kinds of outdoor activities (except travelling, of course), finally I did it! Akhirnya saya bisa naik gunung! The things that I never imagine before, I think I'll never could through this.

The one who wear black veil is a boy, he just tried to make a joke anyway :p

Hiking, is a new thing for me. We got to do such a hard thing to get there, the top. Haha. It's only a mountain Prau, only 2565 mdpl (meters above sea level), if you're a mountaineer, you're gonna laugh of me cause you might think that Prau is not a mountain, it's only a small mountain. Ya, ya I know. But I have to struggle so much hard to get the top.

I'm a beginner, and some of beginner friends too, and I didn't do such a warming up, especially running, all the more, I'm a beginner, should get more preparedness. I should've prepared a fit body and by the exercise I should've been through before I go.

Some people said, Prau is somehow having a hard track for the beginners. Well, ya, ya I got it. That's true. When I was hiking in the middle of the night will all the people there (who are some of them aren't beginners like me), I thought, that I'm never gonna hiking again. Never, it was hard for me, It's indeed really hard. I often got slipped, while I also got so much rest-time until we spent so much time to get to the top. While, actually it needs only maybe 2 hours, and we get through this for about 4 more hours. It sucks, and tired, of course.

We came there in a saturday nite, it seems so many people want to spend their satnite in Prau, lotsa tent there

My hometown is over the 'top right' hills in the picture ;)

We could see mount Sundoro there

But in the end, we've got paid! The view was so cool! I could see my hometown really small over the hill there. Haha. Prau is near by my hometown, Banjarnegara actually. And I was feeling sad that I couldn't reach my home, while I'm in the place where my hometown is near. However, it doesn't make me feel like then regret. I was just thinking, it's a good and new thing for me. I've got some new friends also, and it's fun to know new persons.

At first, I thought I would never go hiking again, but now I feel like want to go hiking again! Haha, it doesn't seem like I'm strong at all, but it's kind of a new fun for me. But of course, to get there, I should do a more preparation.

See, I can open up my eyes, to see the wilder place and out from my comfort zone. Well, now is your turn to make a new story of your life, depends on your interest, or reverse, or your hobby, or anything you might build, to gain a new experience, and to hold this world! :p

Always Be Grateful In Every Condition

Thanks Allah, for giving a happiness always around me. It's not hard to be grateful, whatever you are feeling now, if you can be grateful to God, then all the burdens you have will seem light :)

People Can Never Escape from Their Past

The past is just the past.

We couldn't take it back or even change it.

We can't even escape it. Escape? From the past? We can't.

You will never be a better person if you never learn from your past.

The past, on the other side, is important. Not to regret about, to learn it.

We can't erase it from the memory, sometimes.

Then, take it as a learn so we won't repeat it again if it's wrong.

As a person, we have to be better each day and the past can be a lesson.

So, there's no need to regret the past.

Well, okay, you might ever regret it, but don't do that again.

Take it as a lesson for you to be better.

Finally, I Got What I Need

Hi! This is about the future again and I guess I got the answer. Like I said, "always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do". Even if we don't get what we look for, at least we learn something new in our life. There's nothing wrong with challenging ourselves anyway.

I may not get what I want, but I got what I need. At least the dream just misses a bit. And I'm still really grateful for what I got!

Now, I'm preparing myself for the new phase of my life. I know it's gonna be totally new. Living alone, away from my parents to chase my dreams. Do everything by myself, handle things by myself. I can't even imagine that. Can I do all that?

So, here I am, still confused, still kinda unready to face the life ahead, but I'm excited! Really I am! I know there might be many bumpy roads ahead of me, but I can't wait for it. I know, the next life will give me a lot of new things. I'll be getting new things, I'll experience new things which I wish can make me a better person.

I just wish, everything will be alright. And I still be good.

I'm Not Restless

 It's like punching me to the max when I've got such different recommendations and arguments, even judgments. However, I'm gonna always stick to my plan. Even I might pass that if I lower the standard.

I don't know what happens to me. I don't know about me. Why do I just too optimistic? Am I blinded? Do I really believe in fortune? Since I know, I can make my own fortune by doing good things to people around us.

I love it though I know it's really hard. People have the different perspective, and it makes me confuse. Is that what I've chosen is right? I know I'm too ambitious. I am. But I didn't consider other things. I'm just consistent with no reason. I just love it.

But still, I'm not gonna restless. I choose this and only this. Period.

Too high? I know. But we'd better try than we give up before the match. There nothing wrong with trying. What else we do on this earth if not trying? And if we failed, at least we've tried and our question is answered.

Am I Too Confident?

It's not that I'm overconfident to choose that, but..it's kinda hard to say. Perhaps, I'm just too in love with that thing until I can't opt for another thing. Or am I just too consistent? I just don't care what others choose and what the crowd is saying.

I realized that it might be really difficult. Perhaps, they think I dream too high. Anyway, I just wanna challenge myself. I know it's not easy, but I'll never know if I never try. I'm actually afraid. I know there might be the easier way, but I choose the harder. How crazy it sounds? However, I don't know, I just believe that the fortune will come to me.

I might be dreaming about the things that might be too hard to reach, and you probably think that. But I believe in myself even there are bad talks surround me. I convinced myself cause my friend also said that "you can't be successful if you don't believe in yourself. Success starts with our confidence".

I might stick with the early decision that's not strong enough. I'm consistent. I also believe, success also starts from a thousand failure. So, that's okay. If it fails, I will try again.

I hear every judgment, every advice, which not sometimes makes me think again. Can I? Can I get that? Or will I be a loser?

I realized it's really 'high-level' and I'm clearly none. I might be just too ambitious. Or too optimistic. Honestly, I'm prepared for the possible things that might happen.

I know I may fail. Or everybody knew it that I will fail. But, at least, if I fly the hopes higher, it will fall not too down low.

Quote of The Day

"Parisian style is an attitude, a state of mind. Between rocker and ho-hum bourgeois..." 

 - Ines de la Fressange on Parisian Chic.

Teenage Years

I'm gonna say yes that's what happens to me every day, and you, isn't? Yeah, too boring, I know. And we need to zoom in this words: SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET. I even I don't feel like opening the book for tomorrow's lesson. Or, I don't even wanna study even if there'll be a quiz tomorrow. I sometimes also do something not useful cause I hate my routine. I'm dealing with the same things, having the same boring routine.

I need to refresh my brain. I'm kinda tired, you know? Parents also seem doesn't support me, but I know it's not the thing, it's for the best of me. I mean, they do that for me.

And I feel like, my life isn't perfect. At. All. It's nothing. However, nothing is perfect anyway.

Teenage years aren't like what we expected, like too much joyful or whatever. But in teenage years, we can shape ourselves to be what we really want in the future. Well, if only you do good in teenage years.

Actually, there are so much more things. Our teenage years is not just that. It's us who aren't grateful enough for our life.

Of course in life we have problems, but God has created it based on our capability. So, it's indeed that we can solve it. We can make a way out. Just try to think clearly. Do some effort. You must try! Bear in mind that you can! You can! You can!

Most importantly, don't just talk, but do walk :)

Quote of The Day

"Believe in yourself that you're not weak, so you can get through even the hardest thing"

-Sincerely, me